Self-Esteem What is Self-Esteem? And Where is MINE? How I Learned to Reclaim my Life

Self-Esteem - Where is Mine

Self-Esteem? Most of my early childhood is a jumbled mess of scattered memories and because of my past I lived my life with little to no self-esteem and little to no self-confidence. But what I do remember more then anything, is how much my mother hated me. My mother despised me so much, she spent her time making sure I had no voice, no identity, and was so scared all I could do to keep her from beating me was to keep my head down and mouth shut. Even as I write this story, I can hear her voice, I hate you, you’re a mistake, I never wanted you, you’re stupid, you’re ugly, and if she could she would have left me for dead… and trust me she did a few times.

Self-Esteem, was something I did not have. But this is not what I want my story to be about. Why? It’s simple! Although I have been molested, beaten, tortured, verbally abused, not wanted, and abandoned over and over I have no need to write my sad story and I don’t want to be remembered for my sad story. This story is quite the opposite! This story is about a girl who became a woman! It’s about an individual whose experience with a therapist (one who understood me) did more than just change here it transformed her! Into a woman with self-confidence and self-esteem…

Low Self-Esteem

In the Beginning - Before Therapy: What is Self-Esteem? And Where is MINE?

The beginning of my journey into the light was extremely rocky. Coming from a broken home, I was a completely shattered girl whose only thought was Why. Why am I still here? I use to wake in a panicked state afraid of the world; afraid it was going to swallow me up. I had no strength, no hope for peace, and I was certain that my future was doomed for more pain and a lot of failed relationships. Why? I had low to no self-esteem…

Now I won’t bore you with a bunch of from this age I did this or that, but I will attempt to give you a condensed version of my journey from then to now.

From my twenties to my early thirties I was an addict. Anything I could put into my body that would make me feel numb… I took it and then some. Crystal, cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine and GH Anything and EVERYTHING I could get my hands on that would alter my current state of being I would consume. My self-esteem was so low, I had to use to build self-esteem.

By the age of 31, I was a full-fledged crystal addict… mostly because it helped me not feel and also because it kept me really skinny. Because at this point in my journey, I felt all I had was my looks and body or so I was told as a girl. And trust me, I used these attributes to my advantage A LOT! I had a handful of abusive relationships mostly because I felt as though I really didn’t deserve any better than what I had and felt lucky I even had it. I allowed my partners in these relationships to hit me, cheat on me, and leave me just as I was destined for (or so I was trained to think from my childhood experiences). I allowed everyone to treat me poorly because I had no self-esteem.

I moved from city to city, and job to job never allowing anyone to get close to me. And honestly, why would I? I had no idea of who I was, and had no identity outside the label I was wearing, the car I was driving, and the city I lived in. Everything in my life was a fabrication of what I thought I needed to be to be loved or for that matter even noticed. And mostly, because I wanted to drown out that image of myself! A poor little girl who was tattered, shattered, ruined, and broken,with no hopes for ever becoming anybody who ever mattered to anyone I hated who I was, I had trouble looking in the mirror, disgusted by my own skin, and most of all. my insufferable existence made it hard to breath. I had no confidence or self-esteem.

I was desperate for something, anything! But I didn’ know where to start, and honestly was so lost the only thing I knew how to do was run. Run to another city, to a new job, and a new life. Each time I did this I thought maybe I could change. Maybe I could get myself clean. Perhaps this move would be different? Maybe it was the fact that living in Los Angeles made me who I was (It didn’t ever occur to me that my childhood was left unresolved and that my childhood was paving and creating the road ahead of me). What should I do, what can I do? I had no self-esteem…